October 5, 2012

Welcome to Mantopia!

So this morning I was perusing that virtual pleasure palace called Pinterest. Pinterest is a place for women and gay men to get all aquiver about things like decorating, cooking, crafting, and other colorful, wordy, visual things. And okay, I know I know that some straight guys get on Pinterest too. Mainly to pin hot chicks on their virtual pinboards much like they used to pin Farrah Fawcett posters up on their walls but now can’t because their wives will chop off their testicles. But whatever. That’s neither here nor there nor anywhere else. I’m not trying to be sexist, I’m just trying to stick to the facts.

Point is, I was on Pinterest and saw a link to a blog post titled 25 Ways To Communicate Respect Your Husband, which -shockingly enough- was written by a woman. I read it a few times and lost one retina due to some involuntary spasm that made me spork myself in the eyeball. Why that spasm didn’t spaz it’s way over to the power button on my computer instead of stabbing me in the face, I don’t know. Involuntary spasms cannot explain themselves, you guys. No matter how many times you ask them to.

As I was reading this article I felt like suddenly my dreams of finishing my Time Burger (for you newbies, that’s my time machine) had come to magical fruition. I heard a whooshing sound in my ears and I kinda blacked out for a minute. Although those feelings turned out to be a result of the eye sporking situation, I did actually have a few moments where I thought I was zipping back to Little House on the Prairie times, where I would be forced to wash clothes on a rock, make butter out of whatever the hell they made butter out of,  cook all day, and tell my husband he was King of the Prairie while I let him and his “I only bathe once a month” body plow me from behind.

I don’t know how anyone could read that chick’s article and NOT think they had been Time Burgered back to olden times.

The 25 ways thingy was all about showing your husband respect and love with your actions and not with words. For example, saying “Yo, dude! I love you and respect you and stuff” isn’t really gonna cut it. And ya know what? I GET that. I totally get it. I think anyone with a brain gets that, because truth be told, we all want to be shown that someone cares about us. But the way that this woman was telling us to do the showing was -in my humble and always totally right on opinion- all kinds of WTF.

This is basically her list, you guys. I just made it easier for normal, non-man-hypnotized brains to understand. I put it all in my own words to get to the nitty gritty of what I hear her saying. Basically, I am taking out lots of scripture references and fluffy Stepford Wifey jibber jabber and letting you know the real deal. According to her, if you want to be a decent wife, these are the things that you need to do. Buckle up ladies. It’s gonna be a total WTF? kinda ride.

1) Choose to pretend you are happy even when you’re hella pissed. Smile anyways, because ain’t no man likes a mad woman. And when it’s time for your period and you can’t control your mood, you need to go to one of those period tents like the women did in ancient times because your dude don’t need no sass.

2) Do whatever your dude wants you to do. Make sure the house is tidy and dinner is ready. Don’t make him ask you twice. Third time he gets to kick you in the ovaries with a steel-toed boot.

3) Listen to your damn dude. When your dude is talking to you, drop everything and stare deep into his eyeballs and listen and understand what he is saying. While you are staring into his eyes he will hypnotize you into learning your place. Don’t fight the hypnosis. Let it happen. Pretend he’s vampire Eric and you are getting glamored. I know it’s tempting to go all Firestarter on him while you are staring into those manly eyes, but if you do, you’ll go to hell.

4) Don’t interrupt your dude. Even if he is saying something insane or racist or just plain old stupid. Even if he is calling you a name. Even if there is a serial killer sneaking up behind him with a bloody ax. Let it happen. Yes, you may be saving his life. But at what cost? Murder or no murder, interrupting your man is still rude and is level 10 insubordination.

5) Tell your dude how amazing he is.  Even if he is a jackass, tell him he’s fantastic. Even if he hasn’t bathed in a week and smells like a hobo’s ass crack, tell him he smells outdoorsy and manly. He may not be perfect, but neither are you. And if you point out his imperfections, he will send you to your room without dinner. The dinner you cooked. From scratch. On a wood stove.

6) Tell your dude only positive things, save the rest for the man in the sky. Dude ain’t got time for negativity. Your man is doing something that’s bothering you? Kids acting like assholes? You’ve been feeling really sick and may be dying? Don’t bother your man with that nonsense. Tell him everything’s awesome and then dial up God and tell Him what’s up. Why burden your man when he has better things to do? Suck it up, Buttercup. Your dude is busy.

7) Don’t nag your dude. He’s not your child. Don’t treat him like one. Except, of course, when it comes to the whole doing his laundry, laying out his clothes in the morning, making his dinner, cleaning up after him, catering to his every whim, being careful not to set him off when he’s in a mood, and revolving your entire life around him situation. It can be confusing and the lines can be blurry because you are doing all the same shit for him that you do for your spawn. But know your place and shut the hell up. Dude’s gonna do what dude’s gonna do.

8) Thank your dude for everything he does. Even if it’s just breathing. You should thank him for being alive so you can enjoy his wisdom and awesomosity. You have been given the gift of his presence and you should thank him constantly.

9) Smile at your dude. Even if he’s being a dick. And no, not a sassy or sarcastic smile. A genuine “I am the luckiest woman alive” smile. Don’t worry. He won’t be creeped out at all. Smiles are pretty and ain’t no ugly bitches allowed up in here.

10) Screw your dude’s brains out even when you aren’t in the mood. Even if you have a fever of 103 with vomiting and occasional diarrhea. Suck it up, put a cork in it, and do the deed. Even if you feel deathly ill, just lay there. He probably won’t even notice if you die halfway through. It’s not about you anyways. Don’t you know it makes your man sad when you say no to him? It’s your job as a wife to show him respect, so shut the hell up and do him good.
11) Don’t watch movies or read books with handsome men in them. This might make your man feel inferior, and your man should be the only man worth looking at or thinking about. Only watch movies about ugly people like “Elephant Man”,  and only read wholesome children’s books. But not Curious George. Cuz that yellow hat guy is kinda sexy and I hear he’s hung like a moose.

12) Always kiss your dude when he’s leaving or returning. Even if he’s taking the trash out or running to get the mail. Wait. Who am I kidding? He’s not doing those menial chores. You are. But even if he’s leaving the room to go look at himself in the mirror and tell himself how awesome he is, kiss him when he walks out and kiss him when he walks back in. If you don’t he might leave you forever. And it would be all your fault.

13) Only make food your dude loves. Even if everyone else in your family hates liver and little Susie is allergic to it and might die if she touches it. And even if the neighbors ask you not to make it cuz it makes the whole cul-de-sac smell like dead people. Even if your cat vomits all over the carpet due to the fumes. None of that matters. You make that muthafuckin’ liver at least a few times a month. Dude loves liver. Dude gets liver. It’s called honoring your man, bitches.

14) Always sit next to your dude. Even if he’s busy doing something. Just sit there and look at him and bask in his him-ness. Even if he has to take a poop, go sit on the floor outside the bathroom door and pass him little notes that say “Do you love me? Check yes or no.”  And whisper things like “Even your poop smells perfect!” You should pretend there is an invisible rope tying you to your dude at all times. He might do or say something amazing that you would miss if you had a life of your own.

15) Never complain. Why the hell would you? Your life is perfect! You don’t even have to think for yourself. You get to go through your days like a mindless robot sex and cooking slave. If a contrary thought pops in your head you should punch yourself in the face until it goes away. Or pray it away. If you let a complaint pass your lips, your dude has the right to shank you.

16) Don’t tell your dude when he’s wrong. If he says 2 + 2 = 17, then 2 + 2 = freaking 17. The end.

17) Always look hot. Make-up is a plus and sweatpants are for bitches who wanna sleep in the barn.

18) Keep the damn house clean. This ain’t an episode of Hoarders. It’s an episode of Leave it to Beaver.

19) Be happy with what you have and STFU. Just cuz the neighbor lady has her own car and gets to leave the house without a chaperone doesn’t mean you get to. And fancy beauty salons are for snobs. Just wear a ponytail and let your hair grow in it’s natural color. Highlights are for selfish, vain, assholes, who don’t spend 24/7 thinking about their husbands.

20) Do whatever the hell your dude tells you to do. Your dude knows best. Even if you ask for driving directions and he says to turn left at the second light and the second light is a one-way street, your ass better just turn left into that oncoming traffic. Seriously. Do it. Your dude said so. (This is probably a bad example since I doubt that you are allowed to drive. It’s hard to look at your husband all dreamy and moony while operating a motor vehicle. Plus, you are probably way too stupid to understand pedals and knobs and stuff.)

21) Worship the frick out of your dude. Tell him he looks hot. Tell him he’s a genius. Look at him all damn day. Just stare at him with admiration in your eyes so that he feels worshipped like the god that he is. Do not blink. If you can’t not blink, cut your eyelids off with an exacto knife. Blinking will add up to way too much time you miss staring at his perfectness. You can’t take that chance, so ditch the lids.

22) If your dude ever upsets you, STFU. Even if your girlfriends are all talking about how annoying their husbands are, you smile and say your dude is goddamn perfect. Sure, they will know you are a lying a-hole and they might beat you up for being so high and mighty, but it’s never okay to let anyone know that your dude might not be perfect.

23) Forgive your dude for everything he does that sucks ass. Even #1-22 on this list.

24) Don’t argue with your dude. Whatever it is, and even if you are right, you need to shut your whore mouth and say “I’m sorry.” Somehow, someway, it’s probably all your fault anyhow.

25) Your dude is the king of the castle. It’s his way or the highway. He gets to make all the decisions. You are just the baby factory, the cook, and the maid. And not even a funny, sassy, maid like Alice or Florence. You try that shit you go to hell. Know your place.

You’re welcome, ladies. Now turn of the computer and go bake something.

P.S. And if your man will give you a couple of bucks for being a good wifey-poo, go visit my new Zazzle Store and buy yourself a little something. ALL proceeds go to my charity of the month.

Facebook Twitter Email Plusone Reddit Stumbleupon Tumblr Pinterest

68 Responses to “Welcome to Mantopia!”

  1. Kristen Mae Said:

    “Even if there is a serial killer sneaking up behind him with a bloody ax” – Sweet baby cheeses I just snorted my protein drink up into my nasal cavity! This is why everybody effin loves you! *SHARING*

  2. Sassy STS Said:

    Jeezus. Almost had to stab myself in the eye reading this. How did she even find the time to make the list between the chores and cooking? I hope she had her man’s permission to make that list and be on the computer.

  3. The Sleepy Bard Said:

    I laughed so hard I woke up my entire house! Hilarious. Thanks for the awesome morning read.

  4. Kristy Kelly Said:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Kristy Kelly Said:

    You always get my mornings off to a great start! And now I know why I got divorced hahaha. Jeezus, that woman is off her coconut big time!

  6. hope Said:

    Bwahahahah! This B is off her rocker…this should be called “how to freak your husband out”, cause if i did any of this mine would surely think i was plotting his untimely demise!

  7. Ann Said:

    I almost died laughing reading this! Seriously, I chocked on my coffee and am still recovering. If I had taken the above tips, I’d probably still be married—to a sociopath. But, he would have been a happy sociopath, because this is exactly what he desired!

  8. Kacie Said:

    What’s sad is my EX-husband (EMPHASIS on EX) expected me to follow these guidelines.

  9. Anonymous Said:

    too FUNNY!!

  10. Renee Said:

    I’m dying. You made my day. THANK YOU! And I’m going to be honest and tell you that when coming to your blog I told myself “okay I’m just going to read this one blog and go put that cake in the oven….”

  11. Anonymous Said:

    Thanks for breaking that down for me, since I am not allowed to think. Now, what to go and bake??? Sorry for the spork spasm to the eye; I hope you didn’t have to interrupt your man to get you to the hospital. Oh wait, asking him for help, and complaining, is against the rules too. Shit!!!

  12. Ginger98 Said:

    The liver made me lol! My dh said he liked the liver his friend’s mom makes, so I guess I need to take my dutiful self over to her house & figure out her recipe! Or I’ll just stick with, oh I don’t know, everything else I make that he loves! He did say the other day that my excuse for not having an immaculate house was getting old, that other women are able to stay home with their 2-year-old & 4-month-old kids & still keep the house sparkling clean. Maybe I should post these rules up so I can have the visual reminder every day- NOT! I told his mom I really want to leave him alone with the kids one day with a list of things he needs to do & see how far he gets!

  13. Anonymous Said:

    I read your original post for this, as well as this ladies take on what men should do to keep their wife happy. Let’s just say that wives got the shitty end of that Shit stick!

    This blog is absolutely hilarious and is ON POINT!!! Thanks for being awesome!!

  14. Anonymous Said:

    I seriously wanted to choke the shit out of my husband while reading this, even if he is not a needy, selfish, king-of-the-castle type of guy. Lol… I must read the original article! The cavewoman who posted it must be from another dimension, its a surprise she even knows how to operate a computer!

  15. Anonymous Said:

    Hahaha

  16. Anonymous Said:

    I’m dying laughing had to read it all now, should be working …My eyes have been opened, thank.you

  17. Charisma Said:

    My eyelids are still sore because I cut them off with an exact-o knife. I can’t stand to look away for NOT ONE SECOND. I think I will make liver for dinner tonight…

  18. Anonymous Said:

    I attend a Christian support group for those going through divorce. One man in the group spouts the type of nonsense the woman posted on pinterest. He gets shot down by the women and men in the group. Glad some Christians have evolved.

  19. Mickey Dawg Said:

    Even though I just went potty before reading this, I think I piddled a bit from reading this!

  20. Anonymous Said:

    Baahahaa!! I swear, this is exactly how my dad thinks he should be treated. Maybe that’s why he’s on wife numero tres. Seriously though, way to go with promoting abusive relationships stupid pioneer woman who created this insane list! I obviously didn’t read the original, but I definitely think yours was mucho better. And funnier!

  21. Kymberlie C. Said:

    What. The. F?! Wow, how delusional can this woman be? Lol that woman must be a.) Off her rocker, b.) Living in a commune in Crazyville, USA, or c.) Brainwashed by her husband and sister wives…(no offense to any sister wives out there) If I started acting like even 5 of these “25 Ways to Be a Little Bitch” my husband would ask if I’m on drugs. He knows I would never put up with that crap.

  22. Anonymous Said:

    Wow she probably gets beat

  23. Sharon Said:

    This is from that woman with 19 kids, right? I heard rumors about her crazy ass. Fuck, if I gave it up 800 times a day, I’d have 77 kids too…

  24. Anonymous Said:

    I. Can’t. Stop. Laughing!

  25. Anonymous Said:

    OMG I was trying to read this to my BBF while she was working and was laughing so hard that I couldn’t make it through it, I am so making her read it later. Love the laughs, I just wait for your posts makes my whole day!

  26. rachel grotte Said:

    “that yellow hat guy is kinda sexy and I hear he’s hung like a moose.”
    OMG sooooo amazing, I have a secret crush on that him, that’s why we watch so much Curious George in this house. I mean, he must be a stud, single guy with a monkey, two houses, and a museum job…..

  27. FreeandHappy Said:

    Please please please! Write one of these based on the man’s version! The woman who wrote the original kindly requested (nagged him into it) that he write one for husbands. It’s almost as funny as her guide for obedient wives!

  28. Kelli Crittenden Said:

    awesomosity!

  29. hippie_chick Said:

    There is an entire generation that needs to learn to laugh at this shit! You are a freakin’ genius!
    Did you ever notice in all those LHOTP episodes and even in the Walton household.. the men always came to the Mama for advice and that advice always made things happy-dappy??

  30. Anonymous Said:

    I laughed. And snorted. Thanks for sharing.

  31. Caitie Said:

    My co-workers know think I am a bit crazy for laughing in my cubicle.

  32. Anonymous Said:

    Did the crazy chick that wrote the original give the types and doses of mind altering medication she is on? I want to live in a perfect world too. I hope they are over the counter or prescription meds.

  33. That Woman Said:

    Went out and sat beside my hubby and stared into his eyes and asked if he wanted liver for supper!! Ermmmmm Me thinks that he is calling the Mental ward tomorrow!!! lol

  34. Patti Ford Said:

    I think she’s just high on The Bible and taking it hella literally.

  35. Anonymous Said:

    I want to be that high. I think in her world there are unicorns, she just can’t see them because they haven’t walked in front of her husband.

  36. Jae Carlisle Said:

    Do what the Dude wants you to do! Smile! This made my Monday! Thank you!

  37. Anonymous Said:

    “Pretend he’s Vampire Eric and you are getting glamored.” If my hub looked like Vampire Eric, I’d probably be more willing to worship the ground he walks on, but we’re talking more Family Guy than hot vampire, so no mindless worshipping will be happening. Although I might bake him a cake…

  38. Calisa Rhose Said:

    OMG! This puts me in a real pickle. How the hell am I supposed to WRITE romance, if I’m not even allowed to read it? If I did even one of these my hubby would suspect me of murdering someone- or wanting something that would kill him getting it for me-

    Bookmarking your blog.

  39. Anonymous Said:

    Lol the only “dude’s” eyes I woulds stare into would be vampire Eric’s wow like that any way. I am married but I will not climb up my husbands ass and stay there.

  40. Mom-entarily Mental Said:

    bahahaha! yeah riiight! :p

  41. Diamond Dave Said:

    The woman who wrote these rules is a saint. Now you bitches need to start doing a little less opinion making and a little more sandwich making.

  42. Anonymous Said:

    Omg I can’t stop laughing!! My husband just sat there staring at me like I was insane. I tried to explain but couldn’t understand me through all the laughter!

  43. Anonymous Said:

    I’m reading this as I sit in the waiting room of the denist office and started laughing so hard my eyes were watering! This shit is great!!!!

  44. Cassandra Bettencourt Said:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  45. Anonymous Said:

    AWESOME!! <3 it!

  46. Anonymous Said:

    I just read this outloud to my hubs. Is that allowed…lol. Love THIS!

  47. Cassandra Bettencourt Said:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  48. Anonymous Said:

    Same here! Felt really good when I told HIM to gtfo of MY house.

  49. Katrina Miller Said:

    Patti! IF you dont become a PROFESSIONAL author, and publish professionally some of the stuff you write, then there is no justice in the world, You have a truly creative and HILARIOUS mind and you have the ability to put words and thoughts together that SO MANY people can relate to, right on target, DO SOMETHING with this GOD given talent girl, publish a book, which will become a MOVIE and you will get rich, while thousands of your loving supporting fans cheer you on! YAY PATTI!!!!! WE love you!!!!!

  50. Anonymous Said:

    Double that Diamond Dave.

    Wife since I know you’re reading this feminist garbage…learn and go make me a sandwich before I give you those designer Irish sunglasses you’ve work so hard to get! ;p

  51. Anonymous Said:

    Only if you’ll allow me to wear them with my new colonial dress that I sewed out of the extra burlap bags in the feed house…..

  52. Anonymous Said:

    Epic satire at it’s best. Stuff like this is why I follow Insane in the Mom Brain!

  53. Nikki Hammock Said:

    I diiiied laughing, Patti, I love your blog, and you.

  54. The Madwoman Said:

    This might be the funniest thing I’ve ever read…for real. You are crazy funny! I would like to see a reality tv crew in your house. You should totally do that.

  55. Anonymous Said:

    You and me both.

  56. Carrie's Just Mildly Medicated Said:

    LOVE LOVE LOVE

  57. Anonymous Said:

    Whats the problem?

  58. RC Shivers Said:

    If my wife did this stuff i would have to get her committed. Seriously. Thanks for the laugh

  59. RC Shivers Said:

    Seriously funny!

  60. Anonymous Said:

    WOW. Christ on a pony, I almost stroked out. And not in the good way. I’m talking Dick Clark “Happy Dew Year” then kiss your wife with a half functioning drooly mouth king of stroke. This post seriously reinforced my lesbionicness.

  61. Anonymous Said:

    I was beginning to think you were taking Dr. L or maybe A.Armstrong inspired this. Even though they are not religious literalist xtains some High and Mighty to roll this way. A dose of reality in the funny. TY Patti

  62. jennifer brigham Said:

    i had to find the article that sprouted this. here i was thinking i had all this time before i let my man cook my breakfast. but now i know differently.

    i sent SO Many appology texts when reading the other article. then i read the rest of your post and had to appologize for many more. he thinks i’m a freak. even more than normal right now. we had no idea i was doing so many things wrong

  63. Anonymous Said:

    After reading this blog it sparked me to go read the original blog that the original woman wrote… As a domestic violence survivor, I’m really appalled at what this woman is telling other women to accept. That’s NOT the way a marriage is supposed to work! Those guidelines are the start of an abusive relationship.

  64. Anonymous Said:

    I thought you had to be exaggerating, but then I went and read the original. I like your version better.

  65. Cindy Purcell Said:

    wow! if i had read this when i was married, i might still be married, lol.
    i shared on facebook so his new fiance will understand how marriage works.
    (end of sarcasm)

    i love everything you write!
    Thank you for sharing.

  66. Heather Said:

    After spitting my coffee all over the kitchen counter, I tried like hell to read this to my husband. But I couldn’t get through the first bullet without laughing so hard he couldn’t understand me.

  67. Hot momma Said:

    This was awesome!!! Very funny:)

  68. Kamille Said:

    How can I print this out? I want to post this on my mirror to remind myself everyday!

Leave a Comment




Comments are moderated, if it doesn't show immediately, please wait. Thank you!

Don't have a Gravatar? (the small photo that shows up when you make a comment). Get one here, it's FREE: Sign up for a free Gravatar