October 5, 2012
So this morning I was perusing that virtual pleasure palace called Pinterest. Pinterest is a place for women and gay men to get all aquiver about things like decorating, cooking, crafting, and other colorful, wordy, visual things. And okay, I know I know that some straight guys get on Pinterest too. Mainly to pin hot chicks on their virtual pinboards much like they used to pin Farrah Fawcett posters up on their walls but now can’t because their wives will chop off their testicles. But whatever. That’s neither here nor there nor anywhere else.
I’m not trying to be sexist, I’m just trying to stick to the facts.
Point is, I was on Pinterest and saw a link to a blog post titled 25 Ways To Communicate Respect Your Husband, which -shockingly enough- was written by a woman. I read it a few times and lost one retina due to some involuntary spasm that made me spork myself in the eyeball. Why that spasm didn’t spaz it’s way over to the power button on my computer instead of stabbing me in the face, I don’t know. Involuntary spasms cannot explain themselves, you guys. No matter how many times you ask them to.
As I was reading this article I felt like suddenly my dreams of finishing my Time Burger (for you newbies, that’s my time machine) had come to magical fruition. I heard a whooshing sound in my ears and I kinda blacked out for a minute. Although those feelings turned out to be a result of the eye sporking situation, I did actually have a few moments where I thought I was zipping back to Little House on the Prairie times, where I would be forced to wash clothes on a rock, make butter out of whatever the hell they made butter out of, cook all day, and tell my husband he was King of the Prairie while I let him and his “I only bathe once a month” body plow me from behind.
I don’t know how anyone could read that chick’s article and NOT think they had been Time Burgered back to olden times.
The 25 ways thingy was all about showing your husband respect and love with your actions and not with words. For example, saying “Yo, dude! I love you and respect you and stuff” isn’t really gonna cut it. And ya know what? I GET that. I totally get it. I think anyone with a brain gets that, because truth be told, we all want to be shown that someone cares about us. But the way that this woman was telling us to do the showing was -in my humble and always totally right on opinion- all kinds of WTF.
This is basically her list, you guys. All I did was change the wording to made it easier for normal, non-man-hypnotized brains to understand. Basically, that entailed removing lots of scripture references and fluffy Stepford Wifey jibber jabber. According to her, if you want to be a decent wife, these are the things that you need to do.
Buckle up ladies. It’s gonna be a total WTF? kinda ride.
1) Choose to pretend you are happy even when you’re hella pissed. Smile anyways, because ain’t no man likes a mad woman. And when it’s time for your period and you can’t control your mood, you need to go to one of those period tents like the women did in ancient times because your dude don’t need no sass.
2) Do whatever your dude wants you to do. Make sure the house is tidy and dinner is ready. Don’t make him ask you twice. Third time he gets to kick you in the ovaries with a steel-toed boot.
3) Listen to your damn dude. When your dude is talking to you, drop everything and stare deep into his eyeballs and listen and understand what he is saying. While you are staring into his eyes he will hypnotize you into learning your place. Don’t fight the hypnosis. Let it happen. Pretend he’s vampire Eric and you are getting glamored. I know it’s tempting to go all Firestarter on him while you are staring into those manly eyes, but if you do, you’ll go to hell.
4) Don’t interrupt your dude. Even if he is saying something insane or racist or just plain old stupid. Even if he is calling you a name. Even if there is a serial killer sneaking up behind him with a bloody ax. Let it happen. Yes, you may be saving his life. But at what cost? Murder or no murder, interrupting your man is still rude and is level 10 insubordination.
5) Tell your dude how amazing he is. Even if he is a jackass, tell him he’s fantastic. Even if he hasn’t bathed in a week and smells like a hobo’s ass crack, tell him he smells outdoorsy and manly. He may not be perfect, but neither are you. And if you point out his imperfections, he will send you to your room without dinner. The dinner you cooked. From scratch. On a wood stove.
6) Tell your dude only positive things, save the rest for the man in the sky. Dude ain’t got time for negativity. Your man is doing something that’s bothering you? Kids acting like assholes? You’ve been feeling really sick and may be dying? Don’t bother your man with that nonsense. Tell him everything’s awesome and then dial up God and tell Him what’s up. Why burden your man when he has better things to do? Suck it up, Buttercup. Your dude is busy.
7) Don’t nag your dude. He’s not your child. Don’t treat him like one. Except, of course, when it comes to the whole doing his laundry, laying out his clothes in the morning, making his dinner, cleaning up after him, catering to his every whim, being careful not to set him off when he’s in a mood, and revolving your entire life around him situation. It can be confusing and the lines can be blurry because you are doing all the same shit for him that you do for your spawn. But know your place and shut the hell up. Dude’s gonna do what dude’s gonna do.
8) Thank your dude for everything he does. Even if it’s just breathing. You should thank him for being alive so you can enjoy his wisdom and awesomosity. You have been given the gift of his presence and you should thank him constantly.
9) Smile at your dude. Even if he’s being a dick. And no, not a sassy or sarcastic smile. A genuine “I am the luckiest woman alive” smile. Don’t worry. He won’t be creeped out at all. Smiles are pretty and ain’t no ugly bitches allowed up in here.
10) Screw your dude’s brains out even when you aren’t in the mood. Even if you have a fever of 103 with vomiting and occasional diarrhea. Suck it up, put a cork in it, and do the deed. Even if you feel deathly ill, just lay there. He probably won’t even notice if you die halfway through. It’s not about you anyways. Don’t you know it makes your man sad when you say no to him? It’s your job as a wife to show him respect, so shut the hell up and do him good.
11) Don’t watch movies or read books with handsome men in them. This might make your man feel inferior, and your man should be the only man worth looking at or thinking about. Only watch movies about ugly people like “Elephant Man”, and only read wholesome children’s books. But not Curious George. Cuz that yellow hat guy is kinda sexy and I hear he’s hung like a moose.
12) Always kiss your dude when he’s leaving or returning. Even if he’s taking the trash out or running to get the mail. Wait. Who am I kidding? He’s not doing those menial chores. You are. But even if he’s leaving the room to go look at himself in the mirror and tell himself how awesome he is, kiss him when he walks out and kiss him when he walks back in. If you don’t he might leave you forever. And it would be all your fault.
13) Only make food your dude loves. Even if everyone else in your family hates liver and little Susie is allergic to it and might die if she touches it. And even if the neighbors ask you not to make it cuz it makes the whole cul-de-sac smell like dead people. Even if your cat vomits all over the carpet due to the fumes. None of that matters. You make that muthafuckin’ liver at least a few times a month. Dude loves liver. Dude gets liver. It’s called honoring your man, bitches.
14) Always sit next to your dude. Even if he’s busy doing something. Just sit there and look at him and bask in his him-ness. Even if he has to take a poop, go sit on the floor outside the bathroom door and pass him little notes that say “Do you love me? Check yes or no.” And whisper things like “Even your poop smells perfect!” You should pretend there is an invisible rope tying you to your dude at all times. He might do or say something amazing that you would miss if you had a life of your own.
15) Never complain. Why the hell would you? Your life is perfect! You don’t even have to think for yourself. You get to go through your days like a mindless robot sex and cooking slave. If a contrary thought pops in your head you should punch yourself in the face until it goes away. Or pray it away. If you let a complaint pass your lips, your dude has the right to shank you.
16) Don’t tell your dude when he’s wrong. If he says 2 + 2 = 17, then 2 + 2 = freaking 17. The end.
17) Always look hot. Make-up is a plus and sweatpants are for bitches who wanna sleep in the barn.
18) Keep the damn house clean. This ain’t an episode of Hoarders. It’s an episode of Leave it to Beaver.
19) Be happy with what you have and STFU. Just cuz the neighbor lady has her own car and gets to leave the house without a chaperone doesn’t mean you get to. And fancy beauty salons are for snobs. Just wear a ponytail and let your hair grow in it’s natural color. Highlights are for selfish, vain, assholes, who don’t spend 24/7 thinking about their husbands.
20) Do whatever the hell your dude tells you to do. Your dude knows best. Even if you ask for driving directions and he says to turn left at the second light and the second light is a one-way street, your ass better just turn left into that oncoming traffic. Seriously. Do it. Your dude said so. (This is probably a bad example since I doubt that you are allowed to drive. It’s hard to look at your husband all dreamy and moony while operating a motor vehicle. Plus, you are probably way too stupid to understand pedals and knobs and stuff.)
21) Worship the frick out of your dude. Tell him he looks hot. Tell him he’s a genius. Look at him all damn day. Just stare at him with admiration in your eyes so that he feels worshipped like the god that he is. Do not blink. If you can’t not blink, cut your eyelids off with an exacto knife. Blinking will add up to way too much time you miss staring at his perfectness. You can’t take that chance, so ditch the lids.
22) If your dude ever upsets you, STFU. Even if your girlfriends are all talking about how annoying their husbands are, you smile and say your dude is goddamn perfect. Sure, they will know you are a lying a-hole and they might beat you up for being so high and mighty, but it’s never okay to let anyone know that your dude might not be perfect.
23) Forgive your dude for everything he does that sucks ass. Even #1-22 on this list.
24) Don’t argue with your dude. Whatever it is, and even if you are right, you need to shut your whore mouth and say “I’m sorry.” Somehow, someway, it’s probably all your fault anyhow.
25) Your dude is the king of the castle. It’s his way or the highway. He gets to make all the decisions. You are just the baby factory, the cook, and the maid. And not even a funny, sassy, maid like Alice or Florence. You try that shit you go to hell. Know your place.
You’re welcome, ladies. Now turn of the computer and go bake something.
P.S. And if your man will give you a couple of bucks for being a good wifey-poo, go visit my new Zazzle Store and buy yourself a little something. ALL proceeds go to my charity of the month.
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