July 17, 2014
A few months ago my friend Rachael and I went to Austin to spend the night in a treehouse at Cypress Valley Canopy Tours (photos and videos to come at a later “when-I-get-my-shit-together” date)
Well, when we were there we also tried to get some Franklin Barbecue because the hype about this freaking meat is making me turn into a starving and ruthless animal.
This place has been getting a lot of press and the word on the street is that they have THE BEST BBQ on the planet.
Now, I’m not one to get into this kinda thing. I’m sort of like “If everyone else wants it then I don’t want it because I’m cool like that, yo!”
But they got me.
So we went.
But when we got there they were out of meat.
WTF? I come to get some sweet sweet meat and am DENIED?!?!?!?
Ummm…Screw you, Franklin.
So I turned on them.
Yeah, I still wanted the meat, but I didn’t WANT to want it.
Then I went all googly up in here and read that you could pre-order a shit ton of meat online and pick it up with no wait.
So I got online to oder enough to theoretically last me 3 months, but realistically last me through one lunch.
And guess what?
SOLD. OUT. ONLINE.
So I was all “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, FRANKLIN!
BUY A CALCULATOR AND CALCULATE THAT SHIT!
BUY MORE MEAT, ASSHAT!”
Yet still, I could not give up.
Oh yeah, I knew what they were doing: Make the meat hard to get and everyone will want it more.
I. Get. It.
That’s the motto of every douchebag on the dating scene.
Yeah, I KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING.
But still, it was working.
So Rach and I made a plan that later this summer we will do an early as shit, pre-dawn road trip in our PJ’s to achieve our meat goals with the caveat that if we went though all of that and DID NOT GET THE MEAT, we would riot.
I’m talking a nationwide, news worthy, PMS-ing hungry moms FREAK OUT.
Then a few days later I went to the movies with The Hub and we saw “Chef.”
I was LOVING this movie.
I totally dig Jon Favreau and Bobby Cannavale and I was totally digging the whole thing.
Then it happened.
Jon’s chef character went to Austin to eat some freaking Franklin BBQ.
And guess what?
HE DID NOT WAIT IN ANY FLIPPIN’ LINE.
And did they have enough meat for him?
Well, well, well…YES THEY DID.
In fact, they had enough meat for him to take with him to make sandwiches for hundreds of people.
What a crock of poop.
So I started freaking out in the movie and telling The Hub that THAT was the place that denied me the damn meat.
I started punching his arm just because I was frustrated and he shushed me and if I, like a 4-year-old, cannot use my words, I use my fists.
My body was exploding with (some may say ridiculous) rage (I blame PMS).
THOSE MOFOS DENIED ME THE SWEET SWEET MEAT AND NOW THEY ARE IN A MOVIE?!?!?!?
But I calmed down, thankfully, after a few days when my bloat and cramping went away.
And then one morning last week, it all came back.
This morning I got my coffee, sat down to relax and watch my Today Show, and what the frick do I see?
Obama eating some g-damn Franklin BBQ and buying enough for everyone in line behind him.
Yep. Franklin is getting even MORE famous,which is only gonna make it more difficult for me to get the freaking meat.
Thanks a lot, Obama. Why can’t you just go to freakin’ McDonalds like Clinton?
Momma wants her meat.
And she wants it with as little effort as possible.
But if I have to run for and win the presidency in order to get that flipping meat, I will.
I WILL DO IT!
Then after I eat enough meat to require hospitalization, I will force them to make enough for everyone in the USA FOR FREE.
All day err day.
Or at least until I get impeached.
Which should be about 3-7 days after I am sworn in.