Once you become a parent it seems like 99% of your day is spent saying “no” and yelling at your kid’s to stop doing something stupid.
And the reason that you have to say it so much, is because kids are idiots.
And before you get all pissy with me and unleash the BOLD CAPSLOCK FURY all over my blog, let me elaborate: We are ALL born idiots and our parents are here to keep us alive and well until we learn to NOT be idiots. We can’t help but do idiotic things because we don’t know any better. Everything is a new curiosity to us and we think we’re invincible. Little by little we grow and learn to stop trying to lick floors and stick random things up our noses. And sometimes, well…sometimes we don’t grow out of it. Just sit down and watch a few episodes of Tosh.O if you want proof of that.
I recently posted a Facebook status where I said that I had to tell The Boy to stop trying to shove The Cat down his pants.
The Boy is 12.
A few months ago he asked me if he and his friend could video tape themselves jumping off of the roof.
So the growing out of it? It’ takes awhile.
Ever since he could crawl I’ve been calling him out on his idiotic behavior. The amount of things he’s tried to do that could have injured or killed him is staggering. And the amount of things that he’s done that have made me want to vomit, are even more so. “Stop eating that dog poop!” was just one of sooooo many.
Anyways, after I posted that status about The Cat in the pants (that sounds like the name of a kick ass kid’s book), I asked my readers to tell me some of the things that they’ve had to yell at their kids recently.
I was not disappointed with the results.
THINGS MY READERS HAVE YELLED AT THEIR KIDS
-Stop eating the stick of butter.
-Do not microwave the cats.
-Don’t sniff your brother’s butt.
-Stop licking the stove.
-Please don’t lick the dog.
-Did you just eat bird poop?
-Stop trying to hump your brother.
-That hole is NOT for fingers.
-Don’t bite the couch!
-Stop biting the dog!
-Get your finger away from the dog’s butt.
-Quit doing Gangham style naked.
-Stop trying to pull your brother’s penis off!
-Please don’t pee on your sister.
-Take garbage out of your mouth.
-Don’t bite the cat.
-Get your finger off the cat’s butt pucker.
-Cat Chow is NOT an afternoon snack.
-Get your hand out of your pants.
-Don’t try and pull the dog’s tail off.
-Don’t you shit on my carpet!
-Stop licking the television screen.
-Stop licking the side of the house.
-Why are you naked and trying to shove a cupcake in my mouth?
-Don’t make balloon animals with your balls at the dinner table!
-Stop licking your brother’s butt!
-No, your poop isn’t going to be chocolate flavored no matter how much chocolate milk you drink so please don’t try it.
-DO NOT pee on the dog!
-Don’t rub your french fry on the floor.
-Stop putting your sandwich in your shoe.
-No, you may not take the peanut butter into the tub with you.
-What’s in your nose? Is that poop?
-You can only be naked and touch yourself if you go in your room.
-Don’t let your brother eat your toes!
-Quit painting with your poop right this minute!
-Don’t eat your shoe.
-Don’t wipe your nose on the dog/cat/me/fork/any other usual household object.
-Stop rubbing your forehead on the carpet.
-Please stop playing with the dog’s vagina.
-No, the cat doesn’t want to be blue.
-Quit singing songs about titties, farts, buttholes, and privates!
-Stop trying to put your buttholes on each other!
-Don’t put that up your nose!
-Stop trying to put the cat’s head in your mouth.
-Where is my cat? What do you mean she’s in the dryer? How long has she been in there?
-Get your finger out of there. (“There” could be ANYWHERE.)
-Who licked the butter?
-Why did a spoon just come out of the icemaker?
-Why is there bologna and cheese in this pillowcase?
-That’s not bacon, that’s CAT HAIR! Keep it OUT of your mouth! (My two year old pulls hair off the cat and says “Mmm bacon!” and eats it.)
-Don’t beat your brother in the head with Mr. Potato head. You’re gonna wake him up.
-Don’t rub grilled cheese on your head.
-Can we please not freeze mud and sticks in mommy’s coffee cups?
-Why is your blankie in the freezer?
-No, you cannot ride the skateboard down the staircase railing.
-Stop licking your armpit!
-Please do not touch the puppy’s “lipstick.”
-How many times have I told you not to use your moose as a weapon?
-Stop licking people.
-Stop hitting the cat in the balls!
-Don’t sit on your sister’s head.
-Don’t pour your orange juice on the dog.
-Stop peeing on the dog!
-Don’t swear at nana.
-Don’t put the pencil in the cat’s butt.
-Don’t pee in the heat vent.
-Do not sniff the dog’s butt to say “hi.”
-No, you can not go out the doggie door and pee with them again.
-We don’t hang off of the fan blades!
-Stop trying to flush the cat down the toilet!
-What do you mean the cat fell out the window?
-Take the cat out of the microwave.
-The dog will poop out your tooth and we will find it and wash it off so that the tooth fairy can bring you a dollar.
-Get your toothbrush out of the oven.
-Stop licking the van.
-Please don’t swing the poo.
-If you hit your sister make sure you have a reason.
-Stop! There’s poop on the umbrella!
-Stop eating snow off the bottom of your boots!
-Stop putting things in your butt. It’s not a pocket!
-Stop twerking in the dog’s face.
-Sleeping with tacks on your pillow might not be the best idea.
-Don’t eat your sister’s boogers.
-Get your butt off your sister.
-We don’t touch other people’s heinies. No. I don’t care that they are squishy and make you laugh. Just no.
-Take all those bandages off the cat.
-Get that sword out of your nose!
-Stop putting your hand in your butt crack.
-Underwear does not go on the Christmas tree.
-Don’t put your sister in a suitcase.
-Stop biting the recliner!
-Stop sniffing the dog’s butt.
-Stop licking the dog’s teeth.
-Please get your finger out of your butt.
-Quit playing peek-a-boo with your penis.
-Don’t lick the cat.
-Get your tongue out of your nostril.
-Don’t color your sister’s vagina.
-Don’t put your light saber in the toilet.
-Don’t eat food out of your sister’s shoes.
-Don’t sniff your cousin’s genitals!
-Get the hamster out of your pants.
-Stop rubbing your wiener on the door frame.
-Let your sister out of the dog cage.
-Why is there poop on the wall?
-Mommy doesn’t want Graham crackers down her pants right now.
-Don’t put chap stick on the dog.
-Don’t pry open the dogs mouth and reach your hand down his throat to get your gum back.
-We do not put rubber bands on our penis.
-No, I will NOT sniff your finger!
-Please don’t poke your finger up my nose.
-Your hair is NOT a napkin.
-Do not drink out of the toilet!
-Get the cat out of the dishwasher!
-Keep your penis away from my computer!
HUGE thanks to all of my hilarious and amazing readers for sharing with me. xoxo